Pain Comes In Stages
by muchtvs
Summary: Season One Story. Frank comes back for Ryan.


Written for the 2007 OC sentence challenge.

My prompt: _Frank returns to Ryan's life in his first year with the Cohens._

Season: This story takes place at the end of season one. It is AU in that Ryan never went to Chino with Theresa and never broke up with Marissa.

Rating: M for language and content.

Note: Title comes from the song Paint The Silence by South.

Thanks for reading !

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Pain Comes In Stages

by: muchtvs

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

The Saturday Ryan's father comes for him is overcast and grey.

Rain's been threatening to pour down all morning, draping the air with a thick blanket of humidity, making every movement a person makes just a little more laborious and draining. Seth has no interest in leaving the air-conditioned living room and Ryan generally does what Seth is doing, so the couch and Resident Evil 2 win out over any other recreational option.

When Frank rings the doorbell, it's Ryan who answers it.

The two of them stare at each other, a little in shock, like people usually do when they suspect they know a person who's standing right in front of them but are too embarrassed to admit they aren't sure of a name.

"Hi," Frank says. "I'm uh…wow, this is uncomfortable. You look so different. Hello, Ryan."

Ryan stares a little more at the man and blinks and says quietly before shutting the door, "I'll go get Sandy."

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

"I'd like to see my son," is the first thing Frank says to Sandy.

"You just did," Sandy answers. "Let me give you my business card. You can call me Monday. We'll talk."

Frank smiles a bit and nods and tells Sandy, "I can understand your hesitation."

"Actually, I don't think you do," Sandy says, starting to open the door to usher Frank out. "My wife and I have a court order granting us full guardianship. You just can't show up out of nowhere and expect us to allow you free reign to Ryan."

Frank doesn't much like that answer so he raises his voice and says, "You have no right to keep my son from me."

Sandy raises his voice right back at Frank and threatens to call the police and Kirsten pulls Ryan into the kitchen.

"You let us handle this," she says to him. "Stay in here with Seth."

Ryan glances at Seth, all wide-eyed and mouth open and gawking back at Ryan.

Seth points a finger in the direction of the front door and says, "And I'm guessing that's…"

"My dad," Ryan answers softly.

Sandy moves the conversation between him and Frank outside.

Seth sneaks around the side of the house to listen.

Ryan goes to the pool house and sits on his bed.

And waits.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Sandy and Kirsten explain to Ryan that there's no way Frank can ever possibly gain legal custody.

"He can't touch you," Sandy says. "I don't want you to worry about any of this, kid. You're with us now. No one can change that."

None of them will say out loud why every time he leaves the house, Ryan can't be alone anymore.

On Monday, Sandy drives Seth and Ryan to school for the few remaining days before summer vacation. He has them wait in Dean Kim's office after school until he can escort them to the car himself.

Ryan nods a lot and tells the Cohens, "It's okay," but it's not okay and it's not going to be.

He spends hours in the pool house by himself, trying to recall exactly what his father looked like before he went to jail.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

The second time Frank comes for Ryan, he's at the pier with Seth and Summer and Marissa.

"Shit," Seth says, pointing ahead. "Dude, is that who I think it is?"

"Yeah. Sure is," Ryan confirms, already separating himself from Marissa, easing her gently towards Summer.

"Ryan?" Marissa asks hesitantly. "Who's that man?"

"Don't worry about it," he tells her, "Just give me a minute."

He walks towards his father and he doesn't say a word, doesn't say a thing until he's right up in Frank's face and then he pretends he's not scared shitless and abruptly asks, "What do you want?"

His dad flashes an awkward smile and replies, "A little time with my son."

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

A week later, Ryan packs.

Seth finally realizes that Ryan is dead serious about actually leaving and he tries to make Ryan understand that he's about to make possibly the shittiest decision ever made by a single sole human being.

"Dude. What are you doing? This is crazy. Mom. Dad. Will one of you please attempt to be the grown-up here and stop him?"

Ryan continues to pack and eventually Seth gives up and walks away declaring, "This is so fucked."

Kirsten calls out after him but Seth keeps on going until his bedroom door slams.

"You don't have to do this," Sandy tells Ryan. "Frank has no legal rights to you. He couldn't afford to pay an attorney what it would take to even get unsupervised visitation. Please, Ryan, stay here with us. You owe no loyalty to this man."

"He's my father," Ryan tries to explain. "He wants to start over."

Ryan's sure that Sandy understands why he feels like he has to leave, why he's forcing himself to go with Frank, even if Seth and Kirsten clearly don't.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

"I know it's not much, Ry," his dad says, giving Ryan a tour of the small apartment. "But give me a few more months and we'll go up a zip code or two."

His dad isn't at all like Ryan remembered. He doesn't drink or yell anymore. He doesn't even smoke. He apologizes a lot and has this nervous twitch thing he does with his hands.

He's not as big as Ryan always thought he was.

He's not mean, like Ryan always remembered him as.

"Are you hungry, Ry?" he asks.

Ryan shakes his head 'no", even though he is.

"You don't like to talk, do you?" Frank asks. "I don't remember you being this quiet."

Between the drugs and the alcohol and all those hours his dad worked at the garage, Ryan can't help but wonder how many memories of him Frank even has.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Kirsten is the one who shows up first.

"You left some things at the house," she says, holding up a small bag. "And you have a dentist appointment today. Did you forget? I'm sure Frank won't mind if I take you to it."

"I don't know," Ryan answers her, a little uneasy with the situation. It was hard enough walking away from the Cohens. He didn't count on them ever showing up. "My dad might not like it."

"Is he home?" she asks, glancing past Ryan into the apartment. "I'll just explain the situation to him."

Ryan stands in front of the door blocking her from entering because there is no way in hell Kirsten is coming into his new 'home'. After living with the Cohens for a year, Ryan understands with no uncertainty how fucking poor he and his father are. He doesn't want Kirsten seeing him like this.

He scratches the back of his neck and considers his choices and finally tells her, "I'll be out in a second. I'm gonna' go leave him a note."

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

On the way to the dentist, Kirsten tells him, "I didn't bring Seth because he was asleep on the couch when I left the house. But we could give him a call if you want, maybe meet him for lunch."

Ryan stares out passenger window of the Rover as the familiar Newport landscape begins to emerge.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Seth meets them at the Crab Shack with a ton of comic books and a million things to say.

Kirsten politely excuses herself, citing pretend errands to run.

She's barely out of earshot when Seth suggests, "It would be totally cool if you could hang out tonight. We could meet up with the girls. Marissa asks about you everyday. Why don't you call her?"

Ryan shakes his head, 'no'. He can't see Marissa. He can't let her think there's a chance they could get back together.

But Seth won't give up.

"Summer says she talks about you all the time."

"It doesn't matter," Ryan answers and Seth asks, "What does that mean?"

"It means I can't be with her," Ryan tells him. "I can't date her. I can't be anything to her."

When Ryan gets back to his dad's apartment, teeth whitened and cavity free, Frank is waiting for him at the kitchen table.

He stands up quick, fast, and Ryan instinctually flinches away.

"That was nice of Mrs. Cohen, to take you to the dentist like that," is all Frank says.

There's no anger in his voice at Ryan for leaving without permission. No shoving Ryan around to prove _Frank's _the one who makes the decisions.

Everything is so confusing about his dad and so different than it was before, different from what Ryan can remember.

"Yep, really, really nice of her Ry, especially since my insurance doesn't kick in for another month."

There may be no punches being thrown, but Ryan still flinches at the sound of his father's voice.

Then he nods at what his dad just said.

And tries not to think about how hard it was to tell Kirsten goodbye.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Ryan and his father set about trying to become a family.

It's forced and uncomfortable and the more Frank tries to get Ryan to talk, the less he will.

His dad works the second and sometimes the third shift at night, so Ryan goes to bed while he's gone and wakes up when Frank's asleep.

He's bored and restless and sweating his ass off because they can't afford air conditioning.

A kid comes by, saying his name is Aaron. He lives two floors up and does Ryan want to maybe hang out? Maybe go do something?

Ryan knows by reflex that the kid is probably at some point going to be trouble, but he's so fucking bored, so he goes with him. They drink beer over at some girl's house and pretty soon someone lights up a joint. Ryan brushes off the offer, holding up his bottle of beer and saying, "Nah, I'm good."

Eventually a second joint comes around and it's only six at night and there's nothing else to do, so Ryan takes a hit and lets the buzz flow through him.

Mellowing him.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

This time when Kirsten comes for a visit, she goes ahead and brings Seth and Sandy with her.

Ryan's been partying pretty hard these past few weeks and he knows he looks like shit. He swings the door open, thinking it's Aaron and instead it's all the Cohens, lined up like spectators at the zoo, staring at him.

"Hi," Sandy says cheerfully. "We were in the neighborhood and decided to grab a bite to eat. Why don't you come with us?"

It's two in the afternoon and the only reason Ryan is awake is because the Cohens knocked excessively loud on the door. His head is pounding from too much alcohol and he's not really sure how exactly he got home last night.

"Are you sick?" Seth asks. "You look sick."

Ryan runs his fingers through his hair, unsuccessfully suppressing a yawn and answers, "Uh, no. I helped my dad at the garage last night. We got home late."

Kirsten offers to leave him for an hour, come back at a better time but suddenly the thought of getting out of this place, going anywhere else, someplace other than here is so overwhelming, Ryan quickly tells her, "No, it's cool."

"Do you need to tell Frank?" Sandy asks as Ryan locks the apartment door.

Ryan shakes his head 'no'. "He won't care."

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

At lunch, Sandy hands Ryan a cell phone and says to him, "I need you to have this. Kirsten can't sleep. She's constantly worried about how you're doing. worried about you. I need you to carry this on you and answer it whenever we call. Do you think you could do that for us?"

Ryan looks down at the phone and nods and accepts it.

"Are you doing okay?" Sandy asks.

Ryan ignores the question.

"Thanks for the cell," he says.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

When they get back to Ryan's apartment, Sandy turns to him and asks, "Why don't you wait here in the car with Kirsten and Seth for a second. I'd like to have a quick word with Frank."

Ryan should probably ask why, but he doesn't actually care. So he nods and watches as Sandy enters the building.

"So….." Seth begins. "This is….ummm….your new place. Is it nice?"

"It's a piece of crap," Ryan answers.

"Yeah, well…it has easy access to the street, that's sweet," Seth says. "And what, you're on the fifth floor, right? Most people would pay good money for a view like that."

Ryan lowers his head and laughs and smiles and tells Seth, "Shut up."

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

It turns out that Sandy asked Frank if Ryan could stay with them for a few days and surprisingly enough, Frank said yes.

Ryan wonders if it's because his dad doesn't get paid for a week and there's barely any food left in the house. His dad is trying to provide for him, but minimum wage only pays so much.

As soon as the Rover pulls into the Cohens' driveway, Ryan's heart sort of drops into his stomach and he swallows several times and finds himself almost unable to get out of the car.

It hurt so bad to leave this house but Jesus Christ, it's fucking killing him to be back again. He can't look up without thinking about the fact that in three days, he has to go back to his dad's small, smelly, cramped apartment.

Seth is jabbering away excitedly and telling Ryan all about what he has planned for them to do these next few days but Ryan's barely listening to him. He glances around the Cohens' house as he passes through it, recalling how it felt that first time a year ago when he did the same thing.

So massive.

White walls.

Fancy paintings.

Clean furniture.

The pool house is just like he left it, except Kirsten has filled it with new clothes for him.

It's inevitable that later in the night Marissa shows up. She looks so beautiful and he's missed her so much that Ryan can't turn her away. He can't tell her to leave, not when she just got here and all she can do is stand in the middle of the room and cry.

"Please stay," she sobs. "I can't be in Newport without you."

"It's okay," he tells her. "You'll be okay."

This is exactly why he didn't want to see her.

This is why he never calls her. This is why he never should have left. This is why he doesn't allow himself to ever think about Marissa or the fact that he still loves her.

This is why when Aaron first asked him, "Do you have a girlfriend?"

Ryan told him, "No."

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

He's in the Cohens' kitchen eating breakfast when Frank calls.

Ryan assumes that his dad must be just getting off of work.

Kirsten talks on the phone politely and Ryan hears her say, "Thanks so much Frank, for letting Ryan stay with us."

Ryan feels his cheeks starting to burn in embarrassment simply because it's still so fucking uncomfortable to have either Kirsten or Sandy speak to his dad. He gets up off the bar stool and shuffles his way over to the phone.

Kirsten passes it over to him and pretends to suddenly have something very important to do over by the toaster.

"Hey," Ryan mutters into the phone.

"I'm just calling to check in on you," his dad says. "Sorry I didn't come out to the car to say goodbye yesterday. Sandy caught me just as I had gotten out of the shower."

"It's okay," Ryan tells him and glances around the kitchen, already bored with the conversation.

His dad rambles on about work and a possible promotion and Ryan waits until Frank winds down before saying, "I should um…go now. The Cohens want to go someplace."

Everyone must have heard the lie.

But no one says a thing when Ryan hangs up the phone and sits back down, except for Sandy who tells Ryan, "It's nice to have you here, kid."

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Ryan doesn't have sex with Marissa. He's leaving in the morning and that's one thing he won't do to her.

He won't use her like that.

What he does do is lay on the bed with her and kiss her and try not to allow knowing that he's not going to see her again, at least not for a while, ruin the few hours he has left with her.

There are moments when they do nothing but simply lay still, Marissa's head on Ryan's chest, Ryan stroking her arm.

Sandy is the one who eventually interrupts them, his voice low and apologetic.

"Julie called, Marissa. She'd like you to come home now."

Before she leaves him, Marissa hugs Ryan so tight and so hard and so desperate that he realizes that he can't ever see her again.

He won't do that to her.

Or himself.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Seth calls all the time but Ryan makes up excuses why he can't come to Newport. Sandy and Kirsten phone almost once a day and Ryan always answers the cell, just like he promised them he would.

He just doesn't tell them anything or actually answer any of their questions.

The truth is, half the time he's either drunk or stoned because Aaron seems to have an endless supply of shit. Ryan knows he's being stupid, pissing time away, but he has no motivation to get a job and besides, the summer is wearing down and soon school will be starting.

Aaron says that Point High School sucks and Ryan should pretty much go ahead and skip even bothering to enroll.

Last year he might have taken Aaron up on the offer, but living with the Cohens has made him a little less passive about not earning a high school diploma. When August 18th comes around, Ryan leaves a note on the kitchen table, telling his dad that tomorrow is the last day to register before school starts.

Could they maybe try and go before Frank has to work?

His dad is overly eager. Ryan figures it's Frank's first chance to display his parenting skills in public. The secretary at the high school is nice and the school's not nearly as run down and shitty as Aaron claimed it was.

Ryan glances down at the enrollment form stating which classes he can take and he circles all the AP ones he can find. The counselor that has emerged from her office to greet Ryan and his dad tells Ryan that he can't sign up for AP's on his own. They have to get his records in and review standardized test results. He needs to check back with her on the first day of school.

Ryan shrugs.

Whatever.

It's not like this place is Harbor.

AP…no AP…it's all going to just be a waste of his time anyway. He might as well go back to Chino Hills.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

"Hey," his dad greets him. "How was school?"

"Boring," Ryan answers, plunking his backpack down on the small kitchen table.

It's five and he's about to drop. He and Aaron smoked a joint after school and now his ass is dragging. He starts rooting around in the fridge, looking at the limited choices for dinner, when his dad says, "Listen, Ry, I have to talk to you about something."

Ryan closes the refrigerator door and looks expectantly at his father.

"So I uh, I got this chance at work, to get that promotion I was telling you about."

"That's great," Ryan says. If he only cared…it might mean something.

"But um…if I take it, I'll have to travel during the week."

"That's cool," Ryan answers. "I mean, you've worked really hard to get this."

"I'd have to leave you alone for days at a time, Ry. No one can find out I'm not here. People…they'd take you away. You can't tell anyone at school."

Frank stands up and puts his hand on Ryan's shoulder and squeezes it hard.

"I'm sorry son, and I feel horrible asking you to lie to the Cohens, but you can't tell them either."

Ryan nods.

He thinks it's kinda' funny that his dad is worried about him, of all people, saying anything about anything.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

The money his dad is making now is definitely a little better.

They get digital cable, which is a serious fucking upgrade from basic. Ryan hangs out around the apartment by himself more and less at Aaron's place. Despite the fact that he never bothered to stop by the counseling office, he finds himself moved to all AP classes on the third day of school. But Harbor was so far ahead of anything he's "learning" now that pretty soon he's sleeping in on Mondays and leaving early on Fridays. It's old habits, fostered by living with his mom and he knows that he shouldn't be skipping school but god, it's just so fucking boring and he just doesn't give a fuck.

At first when he leaves town to travel, Frank calls Ryan everyday. Then a month goes by and he and Ryan have the schedule down pat, so now he phones only once a week when he's gone, which is perfectly fine with Ryan. Despite the fact that he's lived with his dad for four months now, it still feels like he's living with a stranger.

His dad is trying to form a bond.

He talks, Ryan listens.

But Ryan doesn't care.

He doesn't care.

School calls the apartment, asking where he's been, and Ryan convinces Aaron's mom to call the high school back with a cover story.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Kirsten and Sandy want him to come to dinner, it's been so long since they saw him, so Ryan makes up an excuse why his dad can't bring him and Sandy picks him up outside of the apartment.

He talks to Ryan the whole way home, asking this, waiting for Ryan to answer that. It's impossible not to want to please Sandy, not to want to make him believe that everything's okay.

Ryan invents father-son outings to tell Sandy about.

Frank's been great.

He got a promotion.

Everything's wonderful.

Kirsten greets them at the door and waits until Seth and Sandy are out of earshot before asking, "Are you losing weight? Are you feeling alright?"

Ryan's embarrassed now, that he didn't bother to take a shower before coming over. His hair probably looks a little greasy and now that Kirsten mentions it, he knows his jeans are sagging. He's noticed that they fit differently. He just hasn't been hungry.

"Why don't you lie down in the pool house," she suggests. "Seth has some homework he has to finish."

Ryan nods and takes a deep breath and slowly makes his way to what used to be his home.

Kirsten still hasn't moved a thing.

Everything is exactly how he left it.

He wishes it wasn't.

Ryan doesn't want to think of the pool house as still his.

It just makes these visits worse.

Now that's he laying down on his old bed, Ryan realizes he's exhausted, which makes no sense because it seems like all he ever does anymore is lay around the apartment and watch television and sleep.

It's so peaceful in the pool house, not like at his dad's. There's no one yelling at someone else in the hallway or making noise walking up the stairs.

Ryan closes his eyes and goes to sleep.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

He doesn't mean to overhear Sandy and Kirsten talking, but he does.

"I want him to stay here tonight," he hears Kirsten whisper. "He looks awful. I don't think he's eating. He barely touched his dinner. He's not taking care of himself. I think we should see Frank in person before we let Ryan go back there."

"Ryan's made his decision," Sandy answers. "He's with his father now. All we can do is be here for him."

"That's not good enough," Kirsten whispers back forcefully. "This is still a child we are talking about and I'm sure Frank is trying to be a good father, but he works all the time and there is no way he can be the parent Ryan needs him to be."

Ryan hears Sandy chuckle and tell Kirsten, "Well, talk about a role reversal. Wasn't it you who just last year was telling me that it's wasn't our place to decide if Ryan's parents were good enough or not."

"I was wrong," Kirsten says quietly. "It is our place. I do not want him going back to Frank. Do something to fix this, Sandy."

Ryan clears his throat and says, "Hey."

The two of them startle, looking at Ryan like he's just caught them shoplifting.

"Everything's fine," he says. "Seriously, Kirsten, I'm good. School is good. My dad is great. I don't want you guys freaking out. I'm good."

Kirsten crosses her arms around her chest and tells him, "Ryan, no one's accusing Frank of anything. We just…we're worried about you."

"Don't be," he tells her.

And now he knows it's time to officially say goodbye to the Cohens.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

The first time his dad hits him, Ryan doesn't react.

School sent home a notice that he's missed ten days and Frank is beside himself with pissed-off-ness.

It just figures…it's the one day Ryan didn't get the mail.

"What the hell is this about?" his dad demands, swinging the letter in Ryan's face. "Is this what I have been working my ass for Ryan? For you to fuck away your chances at graduating from high school? Do you know how long I was in jail? Do you know what got me through it? Every night, I would think about seeing you boys again, about us being a family again. Then I find out Trey is in jail and you're living with strangers. Do you have any idea what that's like for a father?"

Ryan shakes his head, 'no,' even though he's fairly certain Frank's question is rhetorical.

"And you don't think I know that you don't want to be here? You don't think I can't tell every goddamn second that you can't stand living here with me? It's so fucking obvious, Ryan. You never talk. You barely answer me. I'm not an idiot."

"I'm sorry, Dad," Ryan mumbles.

Even if he's faking it. Even if he's not sorry.

Frank sits down and lowers his head and says, "I just want to do right by you, Ryan. I just want to make up for everything. I don't have anything left but you."

Ryan's face stings.

He wonders if he'll get a bruise.

"I won't skip anymore school," he says quietly.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

He doesn't feel good but one more truancy is probably gonna' be the nail in his attendance coffin, so Ryan drags himself to school and tries not to vomit in class.

Aaron's mom shows up that night, telling him that Aaron is worried about him and is there anything she can do to help.

She knows his father isn't home.

Does Ryan need anything?

Anything at all?

Aaron's mom is nice but she's really fucking drunk and it makes Ryan a little uncomfortable because he thinks maybe she might be hitting on him. Who knows. He doesn't care at this moment. He just wants to pass out.

So Ryan tells her thanks anyway and his dad is actually coming home tonight…even though he's not…and he'll be fine.

Thank god it's Friday.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

He's never felt as sick as he does at this moment.

Aaron brings some generic Motrin that has expired. Ryan still takes it anyway, throwing it down his throat in one swallow like it's a shot of Tequila.

Saturday and Sunday are a blur.

Ryan sleeps and wakes up and sleeps and wakes up.

Aaron hangs out in the apartment the entire weekend, hovering every time Ryan moves.

"This is not natural," Aaron says, removing from Ryan's ear the digital thermometer that he borrowed from old Mrs. Stalling and her cats.

Aaron stares at the readout. "This is too high, man. This is like close to death. I think we should call your dad."

"He's in Utah," Ryan mutters. "I'm fine."

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Somehow, Ryan makes it to school Monday.

He hasn't eaten in days.

It took him an hour just to shower and get dressed.

The security guard at school stops him at the metal detector as he's handing Ryan back his ID and asks, "You okay, Ryan? You look a little off, buddy."

The guy probably thinks he's high or something. Ryan nods and tells him, "I'm good," and keeps walking. But the same officer shows up in Ryan's first period, whispering to the teacher just outside of class.

Ryan sighs.

Whatever.

He's pretty sure sick days don't count as unexcused absences.

Maybe his dad won't find out.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

The school nurse lets him sleep the entire day in the nurse's office.

"I can't reach your father," she says several times. "Are you sure I have the right number?"

Ryan tells her his dad can't take calls while he's at work.

"Well, I left him a message. Hopefully he'll get it."

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

"I'll take him right over to the urgent care," Ryan hears someone say. He sits up and slumps back down again, feverish and exhausted.

"Thanks so much for calling us."

Ryan realizes it's Sandy that's talking to the school nurse and he's gripped instantly by a gut feeling that can only be described as, "Oh shit."

The curtain surrounding the cot he's laying on drapes open and Sandy is standing there, Ryan's backpack in his hand.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

There's no discussion about where Ryan goes after they get done seeing the doctor. Sandy doesn't need to say out loud that they are headed for the house and not Ryan's apartment.

Ryan doesn't care.

He's barely cognizant.

His head is swimming and simply does not give a fuck about anything at all.

Not right now.

He was pretty dehydrated, so that meant an IV, which meant the urgent care had to send them to the hospital, which meant another three hours of unfamiliar people asking him questions and whispering to Sandy possible problems.

In the end, his fever came down with some actual medicine.

"How did you know I was sick?" Ryan asks once they are finally released from the emergency room.

Sandy tells him, "The school got a hold of me. Evidently, Frank listed Kirsten and me as emergency contacts." He pauses and then adds, "Thank god."

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Frank calls the Cohens the next day frantic. His cell was dead and he didn't realize anything was wrong with Ryan until he checked his messages in the morning.

Ryan is still too sick to care about much of anything, but Kirsten tells him that his dad is worried about him. Maybe's she's trying to make him feel better.

"You're going to stay with us until he gets home," she says.

Later, Sandy asks him how often Frank leaves Ryan alone to go out of town. Sandy's trying to sound casual and not at all like a prosecutor, but Ryan knows that the guy is in full on lawyer mode.

Ryan promised his dad that he wouldn't tell anyone how much Frank traveled.

Sandy asks the question again and Ryan tells him, "It doesn't happen that often."

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

"I'd like to see my son," Ryan hears his father say. "I'm home now and thank you for taking care of him, but we're leaving."

"He's asleep, Frank. Lower your voice," Sandy answers back.

Ryan sits up on the couch.

Seth and Summer are standing in the middle of the living room, watching Ryan carefully.

"Um…..," says Seth. "We might have a problem. I think our dads are about to possibly have a throw down."

Ryan's throat is dry and his head is still stuffy.

All he wants to do is go back to sleep.

Kirsten walks into the living room and sits down on the end of the couch.

Ryan glances warily at her and Kirsten gives him a slight smile and pats his leg through the blanket.

Frank walks into the living room, Sandy at his heels and asks Ryan, "Hey son, how are you feeling?"

"He still has a fever," Kirsten says quietly. "We think he should stay here with us until he's feeling better."

Frank turns to her. "That won't be necessary. Like I told Sandy, thanks for all your help, but I've got it from here."

Ryan doesn't want a fight.

He doesn't want a scene.

He stands up, a little wobbly, and throws an apologetic glance at Kirsten and Sandy.

"It's okay," he tells them.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Frank says he's sorry about a thousand times for not answering when the school called.

Ryan isn't listening.

He's shivering and miserable.

"Ry?" his dad asks.

He feels his father place a hand on his forehead. "Shit, you really are sick, aren't you?"

They get back to the apartment and Ryan crawls into bed.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

His dad misses a few days of work until Ryan is able to go back to school. It takes him a couple of nights of doing nothing but homework to get caught up, but if it had been Harbor he'd been sick from, it would have taken weeks.

Despite the numerous absences, Ryan's pulling straight A's and Frank is so proud of his first quarter report card, that he takes it to the garage to show off.

Things have been tense since Ryan ended up sick at the Cohens' house and it's kinda' nice to see his dad a little relaxed again.

Aaron knocks on the door.

"Man, if you're feeling up to it… I have got some quality weed."

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

"Kirsten called me today," Frank tells Ryan. "She invited us to Thanksgiving dinner."

Ryan's not sure how he feels about that.

He's not exactly had a lot of success combining social outings involving his parents and the Cohens.

"Do you want to go to their house?" he hesitantly asks his father.

Frank turns the question back on Ryan. "Do you want to go?"

Ryan wants to go.

But he doesn't want his dad to.

He wants his dad and the Cohens…to be separate.

"I'll just hang out here with you," he tells Frank. "I used to cook the turkey for mom all the time. I've got Thanksgiving down."

His dad leans over and places his hand on Ryan's hair and asks, "Do you ever miss your mother?"

Ryan doesn't answer, he doesn't know what he can and should say to his dad and the quiet moment is soon lost to reality.

Frank takes his hand away from Ryan's hair and stands up.

"I got to hit the road. I'll be home Wednesday night."

Ryan nods.

"Oh, and Ryan?" his dad asks. "Kirsten mentioned something about you being too thin. Actually," he stops and laughs a soft laugh, "Actually, she asked if I ever wondered if you were depressed. I told her Atwoods don't get depressed."

Ryan's not sure where the conversation is going and he's always careful about talking about the Cohens with his dad because even though Frank would never admit it, he's jealous as hell of Sandy and Kirsten. Ryan stares at the wall and waits to see what Frank says next.

"Are you depressed, Ryan?"

Ryan fakes a smirk and shakes his head as if the very question is beyond ridiculous and says, "No."

Frank looks instantly relieved.

"Good," he smiles. "That's good. I told her I didn't think so."

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

School is a fucking joke.

Ryan's AP English teacher has him grading papers instead of bothering to write any. He's a nice guy and he apologizes for not challenging Ryan more than he has.

"The system is failing you," he tells Ryan. "But I have too many damn kids to do anything about it."

He promises that Ryan's senior year will be different because he can start going to college courses in the afternoon.

That's almost two years away.

"Can I ask you something? Why did you leave Harbor?"

"I had to move," Ryan tells him.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

It's been so long since he got into a fight, Ryan almost forgets how fucking good it can feel.

One of the losers that lives in the apartment building thought it was funny to set one of Mrs. Stalling's cats on fire and that pretty much pisses Ryan off because who the hell picks on a seventy-five year old woman?

That fucker's got to go.

He blindsides the kid as he's walking home from a party.

He beats the living crap out of him even though the guy is a year older and a lot bigger and Ryan pulls the guy's head up by his hair and tells him, "Next time you bother that old lady or one of her cats, I will fucking kill you. Do you understand me?"

Aaron watches the whole thing and simply says, "Shit!"

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

"What's Chrismukkah?" Frank asks him.

Ryan shrugs.

"It's this thing Seth made up."

"Well Sandy keeps calling asking me to bring you over for it," his dad says. "He's left me five messages."

Ryan looks out the window of the car and tries not to remember how amazing the Cohens house looked like at Christmastime or how wonderfully cheesy it felt to help Kirsten decorate the Christmas tree or how fun it was to mock Seth about his reindeer sweater.

"I was thinking about driving out and seeing my brother who lives in Tahoe. Do you remember Uncle Dan? You met him once when you were four."

Ryan looks over at his dad and shakes his head, 'no.'

He does not remember Uncle Dan.

Maintaining extended family relationships was not a priority of Dawn's.

"So we'll do that. Okay, Ry? We'll go see my brother. You're okay with that right? Spending the holiday with my family. Our family."

Ryan doesn't want to go to Tahoe.

Fuck that.

Hell yes, he'd like to go to the Cohens.

But his dad wants to go to Tahoe….so Ryan keeps his mouth shut. Frank's excited to show his brother that his life has not fallen apart and that he still one of his sons in it.

Ryan calls Seth once they get home, hiding in the alley to make sure his dad doesn't hear the conversation.

"Tahoe?" Seth asks. "You're skipping Chrismukkah for Tahoe? That is just not right, Ryan. The Chrismukkah is sad and disappointed with you."

"I'm sorry," Ryan tells him. "But my dad…"

"My dad is your dad," Seth snaps, his voice more abrasive than Ryan's ever heard it. "I don't understand why you won't come home. Don't you miss us? Don't you miss me?"

Ryan's stunned at the sheer emotion in Seth's words because Seth and serious have never been the best of friends so all he can manage to say is, "Seth," before Seth says, "I gotta' go. Have a nice Christmas," and hangs up.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Uncle Dan is a raging alcoholic.

His wife is a bitch and his kid is a drug dealer and by noon on Christmas Day, Ryan is sitting at a kitchen table in Tahoe listening to his dad screaming at Uncle Dan and Uncle Dan screaming back.

Then they fight.

Then Uncle Dan bleeds.

Then they drive back home.

His dad goes back on the road again, this time for Florida and Ryan gets high with Aaron for the rest of winter break and the day before school resumes, there's a knock on the door and two cops are standing there with an arrest warrant in their hand for assault and battery charges against one Frank Atwood for putting Uncle Dan in the ICU with major head trauma.

The cops are fairly nice to Ryan, even though it's obvious that they are in no mood to fuck around and are less than thrilled to hear Ryan say, "My dad's not here."

When they ask him how they can get in touch with his father, Ryan gives them Frank's cell number…and then hands them Sandy's business card.

The Cohens pick him up at the police station and Ryan sits silent in the back of the Rover, wondering what comes next.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

"I want to see my son," Ryan hears someone say.

It's been three weeks since Frank was arrested and in that time, Uncle Dan has found sobriety and God and has dropped the charges against his brother.

"You'll need to contact Social Services if you want to see Ryan, Frank," Sandy tells him. "I'd like you off my property now."

Marissa and Summer are over, just hanging out and Seth stops tickling Summer and his head springs up and he looks in fear at Ryan.

"I'll hire an attorney. You do not get to keep my son," Frank yells and Ryan lowers his head, embarrassed that Marissa and Summer and once again the Cohens are all exposed to his fucked up family.

"Go ahead and hire one," Sandy matches Frank's volume. "Why don't you start by telling them that Ryan is twenty pounds lighter than when he lived with us and you were on the road more than you were home with him. It's a goddamn miracle he wasn't hurt or worse."

Marissa tries to hold Ryan's hand, to offer him assurance, but he gently shoves her away and slides out the patio door to the pool house.

He sits on his bed and tries to remember the person he was when he lived with both his mom and dad and Trey.

Ryan was there back then and he lived that life but he can't remember what any of them looked like.

He can't remember his family ever being a family.

He gets up and walks around the outside of the house and hears his dad still issuing threats and Sandy still calmly telling Frank to basically go screw himself.

"Dad," Ryan says.

Frank turns in his direction and Sandy tells Ryan, "Inside. Now."

"Dad," Ryan repeats. "Just. Go. I'll call you tonight, okay? Just please, go."

Franks is off the Cohens' front step now and Sandy is right behind him yelling, "Kirsten, call the front gate. Have them send somebody up."

"Sandy, it okay," Ryan says. "Don't call the cops. He's leaving."

Frank reaches for Ryan's arm but Ryan draws back, shakes his head and tells his father, "I'm staying here. I'm not going with you."

His dad looks betrayed and he is, betrayed.

Ryan's willing to acknowledge that.

He's willing to admit he's abandoning his dad.

Choosing the Cohens over him.

"I'm sorry," he tells his father. "I know you tried and I know you wanted this to work….but it isn't. And I don't want to go with you. I don't want to live with you anymore."

The second time Ryan's father hits him, it hurts. It knocks him to the ground.

And Ryan can suddenly recognize this man as the man who used to be his father.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Years pass until Seth finally asks Ryan why he left them that summer, why he went to live with Frank.

Ryan tries to think of a way to simplify it for Seth, but he can't.

Seth will never understand.

Frank and Dawn both still call the house looking for him and Ryan always talks to them.

They both take turns popping in and out of his life sporadically and Ryan always smiles and goes along with it and still calls them mom and dad, because they are and because they always will be and mostly because that's just the way it is.

Seth asks Ryan, "Why did you go to live with your dad when you didn't have to? Why did you put yourself through that?"

It doesn't matter what Ryan tells him.

Seth won't be able to ever understand the answer.

If he could, he would never have asked Ryan the question at all.


End file.
